[kirillzubovsky]

Alexis, how would you help someone in work-till-death-depression-spiral help to recognize they may not be as happy as they claim to be? I have a friend who works all day and all night (literally), and is almost guaranteed deeply depressed and borderline psychotic (although I am not a doctor).

I have tried being suggestive, and tried being direct, but the response had ultimately come down to "you are not working as hard as I am, so you just don't understand."

What, if anything, could help snap someone out of their depression or at least help them find help on their own?

[howderek]

While I haven't dealt with that precise situation, I know from experience that it is more likely that your friend (deep down) does recognize their own mental health issues, but confronting that will require them to change their perspective on the things they have valued for years.

When I was being abused, I knew deep down that it wasn't right. All my friends told me so. But recognizing that abuse meant I had to change how I view myself and my experiences for months (if not years) before, and that's really hard. It's easier to live in a delusion that everything is okay.

If they are as depressed as you suggest, they probably don't have the energy to reframe their entire experience around the facts you are presenting to them, regardless of how believable those facts are.

You cannot 'save' your friend from their self-destructive behavior, and you should stop trying. Instead, do your best to acknowledge them and make it known that your friend can trust and rely on you. Hopefully, your friend will reach a point in their life where they have the energy to start working on becoming healthier, and you can be supportive of them then.

I suggest looking at this WikiHow article that deals with a similar issue: https://www.wikihow.com/Help-Someone-Who-You-Think-Is-Cuttin...

[everdev]

The alternative has to seem better than the current situation. I've rationally brought myself to these places by feeling that the income and success is worth the price. When it stops becoming worth it, you change. That's why there's a prevailing wisdom that someone has to hit "rock bottom" before they change. In reality it's their bottom that they hit before they want to change and that bottom is different for everyone. It sounds like your bottom is at a higher threshold than your friends which is why there's a disconnect as you watch them do thing you can't imagine doing yourself.

I think the biggest way to help is to try to understand them and their values. Sometimes people are operating in a way that they don't even know is unhealthy. If you can simply get curious about their work habits in a positive way and then repeat that back to them without judgement: "It sounds like you value money." or "It sounds like you're scared of going broke in the future.", they can feel heard and it brings down their defenses.

But if you're saying "Stop working so much" or "You'll burn out." the person might be wondering why you're saying those things. Are they jealous? Are they wanting to hang out more? But if you can say "Hey, I've noticed you've put on some weight and I'm nervous about your health" or "Hey, I've been feeling lonely while you've been working so much", they might have a better understanding of your intentions which might help them lower their guard.