| When I was recently going through a bad time (clinically depressed) I started withdraw myself from my social life. I started talking and opening up to my friends Less and lesse, because I didn’t want to bring them down with my problems. I started making up excuses to not go out with them, because I just wasn’t feeling well. When people came to me and asked me what’s up, I made up excuse after excuse of how everything is fine, I’m just stressed from this and that, I’ve just got this deadline, really don’t worry about me I’m fine. Here’s the thing: I wasn’t fine. My brain was, in short, “broken” much like a bone is broken when you fracture it. My mind was broken after who knows how long of neglect to my mental health and well-being. Every little thing required so much effort, that it was easier to just do nothing. Doing nothing was the most rewarding choice, but at the same time I knew that doing nothing would make the problem worse. Yet, I didn’t care. Much like a cigarette smoker might know it’ll increase their risks of cancer x fold, I didn’t care that not going out today will make me feel worse later on. That’s a problem for later on. When my friends would ask if I wanted to go get dinner with them, I would politely say no. Every single choice that I was given, I would choose the easiest one because it gave me immediate results which made me feel better now. What I wish my friends would have done instead was not give me a choice. Tell me, “We’re going to dinner at x, and look I’m going to come over at 7pm and either we both go or we order pizza. But I’m coming over, cool?” For me, what I needs was someone to push me. I wasn’t capable of pushing myself. I needed someone else to do it for me. More than that, I needed a swift reminder that there were people in my life that cared about me, and that I fit in and belong. Remember that when you’re depressed your brain is literally not functioning properly. In your mind, if you invited me to go out and do something with you and I said no, you’re probably thinking “okay well maybe he’s just not feel it now, maybe next time.” In my mind, what was going through my head was something totally different: “I just don’t wanna go because it’s so much effort, so I’ll just say no. Wait, why is he saying that’s fine? What the f—-? Does he not care about me? Do I not matter to my friends that they can just write me off like that? Why aren’t they trying harder?” And that thought process makes me withdraw from my friends even more. Remember: your friends mind isn’t functioning properly. It’s not his fault. When you get some one on one time with him, the most important words you can say are some variation of “Hey, I know times have been hard on you and I can’t even begin to imagine it. I just want you to know that I’m here for you. You don’t have to open up and talk to me, but I do care.” Also, remember that his mind is an unstructured mess right now. One that that might help is for you to offer some structure. “Can we get dinner together every Thursday at 8pm?” You picking the time and date helps him because then he doesn’t need to think about those (and believe me, they are monumental decisions for people who are depressed) and it also gives him a sense of structure and something to look forward to every week. In the long run, what he needs is therapy. |
- don’t offer help and suggestions and advice
I hate and hated it when my friends would ask if I tried meditating, or say maybe start running, hit a gym, etc. Yes those things all make sense, and may have been proven to work, but here’s the thing: those things all take effort, effort that I just didn’t have to give. Yes, even the simple act of “sitting down and breathing a few minutes for meditation” required a monumental amount of effort. Does it make sense? No. But depression is not rational.
What was worse, was that these advice and suggestions weren’t new to me. I’ve done the research. I’ve googled “how to not be depressed”. I know that exercise is good for me etc. You telling me makes me feel like you think I’m stupid, or that you think you’re so smart for thinking up that advice, and so on and so on. Is my reaction like this warranted? No. But again, depression is not rational.
Instead of “maybe you should go running, there’s a lot of couch to 5k apps.” You say, “hey let’s start running together, every day after work at 6pm. In 5 weeks we’ll be able to run a 5k together!”
etc