[hestipod]

Finding something like that was the hope but it's dead. That guy worked in the field before and knew someone at the non-profit so he had relevant background and a hookup. Both of those things, or at least the latter, are required. I have neither for anything anymore. Housing is not stable...it's miserable and one of my biggest pain points. I am in the middle of nowhere with two people who resent each other and me, I am being pushed out passive aggressively and sometimes overtly, every day is full of anxiety and stress which just increases the pain. The longer things in my life have gone on the more I need and the more specific my needs are. Nobody would help when it was far easier to solve...nobody is going to now. This is not cynicism...this is wisdom based in consistent experience.

I have cast this hail mary net over and over after exhausting my ability to create a path by myself, never resulted in anything but well wishes (which I appreciate but ultimately aren't a solution), interrogation from people who were never going to do anything anyway, and blame. This post was flagged repeatedly and buried before it had a chance. People won't help but they will fight you and argue with you and make it all about them. And naturally when you experience this over and over and have the resulting attitude about it as I do now...your attitude is then blamed as the problem in some absurd retcon. Truth is most people avoid suffering and need or worse attack it out of fear. It's the root of victim blaming and extends to a wide set of behaviors. See how most people react to the homeless as proof. When people rarely DO help at all they put so many conditions and judgment on it that it renders it ineffective in the long run.

I was fortunate enough not to be born in a war zone or some terrible poverty and had a few good years in my life but a fraction of what I had earned and would have occurred had my life not been stolen, but I was UNfortunate enough to be born in the USA where once I lost my value to the machine I was cast aside rather than helped to stabilize and be allowed a productive future....let alone any happiness. The United States of the Thunderdome made it's choice and I am screwed as a result. I want out for good...can't get out...another thing that was betrayed and derailed by someone's injurious actions. I want a small stable life. Can't get it as long as every foundation I build is knocked over by someone and then I am told to "stop being a victim" etc. I AM a victim...of repeated instances. It's not a choice or a viewpoint. I am not making excuses. This is reality and what has happened. I can't be responsible for other people's actions but am constantly treated as I should be...yet none of those people are held accountable for THEIRS.

Yeah I am angry, and depressed, and resentful...and rightly so and so would anyone who had lived this. But none of it matters. Screaming into a void for so many years out of pathetic desperation hanging on to imaginary hopes and dreams of just being allowed to have a life.

[techdreamer]

I am so sorry to hear this. I wonder if it is possible to conciliate in some way with these two (appease them in a dignified way, keeping out of their way) - (horrible, but necessary). If they are related, surely they wouldn’t pull the trigger on you no matter what their attitude is. (Humans, especially relatives, can be funny that way). They have power over you and sound as if they are miserable with each other, and you are getting the fallout.

I find it appalling that there are no options for you. Its hard to find words. You are obviously highly literate and intelligent and could be good value for some one or entity with that kind of remote work. (4 hours a day and not having truckloads of qualifications but interest, software and operating system skills, life experience, maturity and reliability are a good signal to an entity with this kind of work).

Generally Phd’s and credentialled individuals don’t get jobs like the one we discussed, they will move on - niche jobs are the toughest to get, but employers really aren’t looking for elite credentials, just specific talents and trays.

Finding someone with your skillset who will work for 4 hours a day consistently and reliably is tough for employers - the other side of the coin. (Finding a job like this and an employer in this situation is the problem).

Hold on. This post may be buried but it isn’t going anywhere. (You are depressed and rightly so, I don’t know if there are any disability options for that, and you have investigated the system pretty thoroughly). I’m probably irritating you about now, but you know, you did what you could with this post, and risked it, that is something pretty good and very brave. Hang on, hang on, hang on, sometimes at the 11th hour..... (ok?).

[techdreamer]

Are you still reading here? I hope you are all right. Reading back over your reply to me I got the impression that the someone who blocks instances of you helping yourself is a relative, and then blames you as a victim. It is so hard to read online posts, I might be wrong. You probably don’t want to discuss it anyway, and I’m not some nut always writing here.

(If it is a relative, doing that, that is a dysfunctional pattern, the truth is they will keep playing the game, but probably not evict you.) It may be even some person’s way of telling you you are depressed - weird but true - some don’t know how to do this. (In other words, they don’t know how to communicate this stuff, may care for you, and may be depressed themselves - I don’t know, I’m not a psychologist). Anyway, would be nice to know you are all right, and don’t worry, I won’t post again - just say “I’m still around”, and we will leave it at that. Take care.