[mrbill]

I lost my wife suddenly in 2009, she was 34.

Losing your significant other is something that you never get over - you live with the emptiness and the hurt, and you learn to move on and hope that the "fog" eventually lifts. It's something that only someone else who has been through the same experience will understand. I was lucky to meet a friend who had lost her husband a couple years before, and she helped me through the hardest times.

Matt, if you ever read these comments, all my thoughts and condolences for you. I know "thoughts and prayers" does nothing, but a lot more people care than you realize.

Hang in there.

[northwest65]

>I’m unmanned and unmoored without her

I found that quite cutting. I'm not sure I could go on if my wife died prematurely. My mind has turned to this on occassions when people close to me have suffered severe illness or died, and I just can't see in my minds eye how I could cope.

[toomanybeersies]

You wouldn't be the first if you couldn't go on.

A close family friend took his own life shortly after his wife died of cancer. After over 25 years of living together, I guess it was just too much for him to continue without her.

I was too young at the time to understand and to be honest I'm still too young to understand.

[snuxoll]

Broken heart syndrome is real, elderly couples have been know to pass within fairly short time frames of each other even if all medical indications show they very well could have survived longer. Losing the one person you have shared so much of your life with, likely raised children together with and confided in is something I cannot even comprehend.

I’m going to put down HN now and play Minecraft with my wife or something, because now I feel like I’m squandering my time with her.

[andrewbinstock]

I have long felt that death certificates are done completely wrong. Instead of just listing the proximate medical cause, they should list the true cause: he died of loneliness; he died of a broken heart; he died because he was homeless and couldn't find his way to the help he needed.

When those are the causes of death that we start to track, perhaps the world will become a better place.

[askl56]

But that's not medically true? The proximate medical cause has to be valid and complete, otherwise what is the point in listing it? A death certificate provides full information as to why someone died for the relatives and for the state. This provides them with an explanation of how and why their relative died. It also gives them a permanent record of information about their family medical history, which may be important for their own health and that of future generations.

[vertex-four]

The point here is that the proximate medical cause isn’t actually the complete cause. While medical records are useful, they don’t explain the circumstances that led to someone’s death, and are therefore heavily missing information in many cases. The person who died of pneumonia because they couldn’t afford to go to hospital - all that gets listed on their certificate is that they died of pneumonia, and so we’re lacking in information that might be just as useful (or more) as that a person died of pneumonia.

If we actually understood that people literally died of not having enough money, or of lack of willpower to deal with a bureaucracy, or of homelessness, or of their mental state, there’s every chance that something might change.

[criddell]

> But that's not medically true?

Don't be afraid to let a little poetry into your life.

[dingbat]

no thanks, when you go would you really want your last statement of who you were to be created by some random medical practitioner who decides on your behalf that the sum of your life was "he died a sad lonely man".

> he died because he was homeless and couldn't find his way to the help he needed.

taking your approach, you'd also have to allow at least some of those death certificates to list cause of death as: "he died because he was homeless, and he was homeless because he was a drunkard and an addict who was horrible to his family and most everyone he dealt with."

or is the intent to permit maudlin sentiments only?

[munificent]

Perhaps you are interpreting the parent comment a little too literally.

[dragonwriter]

The farther you get from the proximate medical cause, the more supposition and speculation is involved.

[rejschaap]

True, but his point about missing information that could lead to the root cause is very valid. In some cases addressing the root cause is the only way to really prevent death.

[mrbill]

One thing that sucks about having a significant other die - having to keep piles of certified copies of the death cert handy, to send to various orgs / companies / etc to cancel things, shut off services, and so forth. I ran across a folder full of them a few months ago and it ruined the rest of my day.

When I called to have my late wife removed from my insurance at work, the lady who changed it messed up and removed her effective the day before she passed away - so all sorts of insurance claims started bouncing back "not covered". It took me a year and a half to get in touch with someone at the insurance company who said "oh my. you poor dear. let me fix this" and she had it corrected in less than five minutes.. but for that 18 months I had to deal with almost-monthly bills coming in with her name on them...

[joering2]

Im curious how would they know all medical indication show they could have survived longer. I mean I see few movies with this underline story but do we really have some solid proof?

[WingH]

this is true. Take 10 million couples and maybe 1 in 10 million, this happens, and this is what we hear in the news.

We never hear about the wife that lives 10 more years after their 85+ year old husband dies.

[pbhjpbhj]

Should be relatively easy to crunch those numbers - is there a significant reduced life expectancy for surviving widows/widowers?

I'd be surprised if this hasn't been tested.

[joering2]

Problem is, I cannot take a single person and perform such test yet 10 million thats why I was looking for some solid stats or research/paper.

Maybe you don't hear. My grandparents were together since about 16 and my grandmother passed away 12 years ago. And I never seen couple more in love, including my grandma having tatoo of his name on her chest, something unheard of and frown upon back in the days. And my grandfather is turning 94 this summer.

[nsxwolf]

I’ve thought the same thing about stories of South Korean gamers dying from marathon gaming sessions.

If a millions people have marathon gaming sessions day in and day out, doesn’t it only make sense that one of them will die in their chair once in awhile? Was gaming really the cause?

[mrbill]

For the longest time (and well, still to this day) I hated coming home to an empty house. I wanted human companionship - a hug, someone to care, someone to ask how my day went.

I had two cats, but they've since passed, and even before that it wasn't the same.

It's been almost ten years, and there's not a few days that go by without me thinking that nobody would miss me if I decided to join her.

[kwhitefoot]

It's tough. But life has to go on. My wife of forty years died of cancer last August after two years of treatment. Even though we both knew it would happen sometime we were neither of us prepared for it when it happened. Six months later 'I’m unmanned and unmoored without her' as the other commenter said. Half my memory is gone, I have no one to whom I can make all those scurrilous comments about friends and relations. No one's hand to hold while going for a walk. No one to hold and to touch.

But I have other people who rely on me, my children, my sister, the company I work for. So even though I am in tears as I write this, I know that I have to cope, I have to find a way to be.

It's going to take a while.

[mrbill]

It took me about two years before the "fog" lifted and I started to feel again. Before I was doing anything other than going to work like an automation just to pay bills.

[Myrmornis]

May I ask absolutely sincerely: how differently do you feel about the scenario of your wife suddenly leaving you?

[mrbill]

When you have a divorce, separation, etc - the person is still there, still alive, around, may or may not communicate with you, etc. You can know that they're OK, even if they had to find happiness with someone else or whatever happened.

I was working late to make up some time and had headphones on. Wife told me "I'm gonna go soak in the tub and go to bed, see you in a bit." A couple hours later I finished what I was doing and headed towards the bedroom. I noticed the bathroom light was still on, and found her. Apparent heart attack and she drowned in the bathtub, and she'd been gone a while by the time I found her. Sudden wrenching loss. No opportunity to make up for fights. No goodbye. Just.. gone.

Anyway. This isn't about me. This is about the community helping Matt, in whatever way we can.

[cabaalis]

No need for a hypothetical scenario in my case. It sucks, greatly, but I imagine pales in comparison to having a loving wife suddenly die.

[didgeoridoo]

Dude.

[Myrmornis]

This thread is about loss. What I referred to can be an extremely acute form of loss. There may be people in this thread struggling to deal with the form of loss I referred to.

[lopmotr]

I agree it's important. Divorcees don't get smothered with caring like widow(er)s do despite how devastating it can be. Perhaps worse because not only have you lost them but they're also telling you you're not wanted.

[webkike]

I lost my mom in 2001. One week after 9/11. I was 6.

I often wonder if I would have been a better person if she was there.

[SiVal]

Is it too late to become what she would have wanted? I don't mean to be glib, but you were a young kid then and (presumably) you're not anymore. Could you recreate her in your mind and allow her to influence you to become the person you would have been?

I'm a father, and I used to worry about what might happen to my young kids if I died. It would be a great comfort to me to imagine them, after they got older, making an effort to interview people who knew me, asking about what I was interested in, what mattered to me, what I used to talk about, how I talked, how serious/happy/neurotic/patient/stingy/grouchy/etc. I was. With this model, they could imagine conversations with me, discuss things with me, try not to disappoint me, etc.

Fortunately--for me, anyway--my kids are old enough now that they will never get my voice out of their heads, even if I get hit by a bus tomorrow (and even if they are driving the bus!) It's too late for them.

How about you? If you seriously think she might have made you a better person, why not help her by giving her a second chance?

[AstralStorm]

A person recreated from memory is still a fake, no matter how accurate you and your memory are.

And most people do boot have the skill to do a full character model at the age of 6. It takes special talent nature to do that even when old. That is even ignoring the fact that people change and adapt over time in hard to predict ways.

So this thought exercise is actually protecting your own wishes through the light of some imagined model of a person. Might as well use Tarot cards instead.

[SiVal]

And most people do boot have the skill to do a full character model at the age of 6.

The poster said he was 6 in 2001. It's no longer 2001, and he's no longer 6. I told him he couldn't have done it back then but it might be worth trying now.

[bipson]

You are right, it is a mind game, IMO just not as far fetched as you paint it.

I think what GP is aiming at is this: If you think you are a worse person (whatever that means) than you could be, be it from your or any other persons' perspective, is it too late to change?

Or put differently: Years after someones death, the picture of what one could be, is a mind-game already. From here to picturing what you/your mind would like to change is not that much of a stretch.

[JepZ]

> I often wonder if I would have been a better person if she was there.

In general, your parents might be responsible for what you are when you turn 18, but every step you do afterwards is your responsibility. I know people who are over 50 and still make their parents responsible for the bad things in their life, ignoring the 30 years they had to fix the problems of their past.

So yes, it might be a bad start to loose your mother that early, but if you think you could do better (by your own standards): You are the only person who has the authority and power to change yourself.

Sorry, this might sound a little tough given the overall topic, but I think it is is very important to realize this early in life.

[scarface74]

While I agree with you, if someone would have said the opposite - that they are where they are because of the support and guidance of their parents even when they were just getting started as an adult, few people would bat an eye.

I can say I am where I am because of all of my hard work. But I know that isn't entirely true. It would have been much harder for me to move out of the small town I grew up in and where I went to college, to the city where I live with much better opportunities making far too little to support myself in the beginning without their support. I can draw a pretty straight line from my first low paying job as a computer operator that didn't pay enough to make it to where I am today 20 years later.

If it weren't for them, I probably would have gotten a job that paid more then working on mainframes but without the growth opportunities in a small town.

[jimmies]

I know the slightest glimse of death later last year when my parents came to visit me in the US. We had a great time, but I know they're living on borrowed time. I just hope I could do more for them. I am 30 now and my mind still can't make peace with that.

You're a strong person.

[agumonkey]

It's a thing that taints life with a glow of absurdity. I hope your (and matt's) scar will shrink a bit, even though this is the kind of scar you don't want to heal at the same time.

[djhaskin987]

I know "thoughts and prayers" does nothing

For what it's worth Matt, you have mine.