[throwaway30yo]

Not that simple though,

Courts favour giving custody to Women. The men who do get custody generally have to have more of their affairs in order (job, housing, stability). So its not surprise when a man gets custody he is in a better financial position.

[SpliffnCola]

Exactly. My mother cheated on my father; she got custody of us and had to be both mother and father while also growing up in poverty.

She also demonized him to us as if it was his fault for leaving her.

Her cheating also made a head while she was both dating my current step-dad and another man who could also have ended up as my step-dad.

Needless to say, I have a hard time with relationships because my mother's have been extremely out of the norm.

[DoreenMichele]

Needless to say, I have a hard time with relationships because my mother's have been extremely out of the norm.

I am very sorry for what you suffered.

For some years, I read as much scholarly info as I could on infidelity.

In a nutshell: Infidelity doesn't destroy a relationship. Instead, it grows out of serious problems within the relationship.

I hope you find a means to heal.

[taneq]

> In a nutshell: Infidelity doesn't destroy a relationship. Instead, it grows out of serious problems within the relationship.

Sometimes the "serious problems" are simply that one partner is a cheater. An ex of mine (who cheated on me) went on to cheat in their next relationship, and the one after that, and based on mutual friends' comments, a few more since. Some people just aren't wired for monogamy.

[SpliffnCola]

> In a nutshell: Infidelity doesn't destroy a relationship. Instead, it grows out of serious problems within the relationship.

Yup, she was co-dependent on him and he was a workaholic mechanic.

There is more to the story than I have said:

My father had a serious cocaine addiction (he is clean now); that combined with his workaholic nature (at the time) caused him to not be around my mother as much as he should have.

She wished he would be around more with her and the cheating on him seems to be the side-effect of that issue.

Those were the starting points of the relationship problems and they only worsened from there.

My mother's mother ragged on her a lot about every mistake (big or small) she happened to make. I believe this caused her to have a hard time trusting her decisions and lowered her self-esteem.

The codependency with my father and his lack of being around due to working (to help provide for us) was definitely a factor in her cheating on him; it seems to be a common problem of those whose significant other isn't around as much as they should (or would like them) to be.

Thanks for the thoughts on healing, it's definitely a struggle.

[DoreenMichele]

Let me very gently suggest that trying to decide which one to blame is not a constructive path forward.

[SpliffnCola]

Agreed, I've long since stopped blaming either of them.

It sucks that they did divorce however my brothers and I turned out just fine by her raising us.

I see a psychiatrist and have talked plenty with her about my childhood and growing up.

From my posts it may come off that my mother is a terrible person and that's so far from the truth. I love my mother and would do anything for her.

She had to play the role of mother and father (something any parent would struggle with). Sacrifices she made to raise us still amaze me to this day.

Mom involved us in Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts to be around male mentors (and it helped a lot). We had the support of Big Brother & Big Sisters for one-on-one interaction with male figures.

We never went without under the care of my mother, however we were in poverty and she constantly was trying to make ends meet every month. While we weren't homeless like in your situation, it was still very much a struggle.

I learned very early on the difference between wants and needs.

[DoreenMichele]

I really got a lot out of what Patrick Stewart said in this video about his own parents:

https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2013/05/31/187551135...

[megaman22]

Infidelity is not excusable. You either need to decide if you are in or you are out. If you're out, then be honest and cut the cord.