[themodelplumber]

I'm a personality type coach and I help people implement the kinds of changes described in the paper. There are many different models that deal with this kind of change. But taking one step back, I think it should be made more clear up front that "having a desire to change one's personality traits" itself is a trait. There is no need to pressure (most) people to change, and many good people feel a strong pressure to change just by being on the internet. Some seem to have a natural desire to change. They are self-improvers by nature. Some are curious, more open in general. They try this or that and wonder how life would change if they were more of an introvert, or more conscientious. Others are pushed into change, brought to their knees, so to speak, by patterns of poor outcomes in their lives.

One of the often-unspoken realities here is that this growth and change will cause anxiety directly. It's observable in any living organism. (Now think about New Year's resolutions...they can be real anxiety spikers) If any really pleasing dopamine reward is to come of this process in humans, its full manifestation is often very time-delayed as the change process itself takes its course. So depending on the traits and their role in the trait-changer's own systems, models, and beliefs, it is helpful to identify pathways that can involve the trait-changer's strengths and yield some increased leverage. For example, "being open to _what_ is less stressful than being open to _that thing I can't typically stand being open to_?" There's this blended approach.

Beyond traits, I find that typologies and archetypes are very helpful in establishing a quick and dirty template for change. If you identify as a "type" that finds benefit from developing cleverness, even if you yourself aren't very clever _right now_, we may see some surprising success if we try some exercises to identify and harness a latent cleverness in service of your goals. If you are a natural idealist, an idealistic princess who befriends all the little forest creatures, that's actually a very helpful model to examine as well. The story has been shared across cultures for many centuries, and it's a matter of running down the list of type attributes and noting the deltas with regard to your current life. I call my own method Type / Trait Interleave and so far I've been happy with the outcomes for my clients.

With traits we quickly understand the contextual you and your contextually-variant patterns. With type we get at questions of your core self and begin to understand how your contextually-variant patterns could be sabotaging or benefiting some other system functioning in your life. Thanks op for the thought-provoking post, I didn't expect to see it here. :-)

[EGreg]

Given your description of your job, I have a quick question:

I have found that when I speak, I rarely command attention and captivate as some others do. Probably something in my speech patterns. Perhaps they are slightly more apologetic / geeky / nice than others. People may interrupt me or turn away, even people who respect me.

When I do get rapt attention, such as teaching a class, I get an impostor syndrome because I'm not that used to it. I don't let it show - and I finish my thoughts. But I feel my speech is more rambling and unfocused than it should be. I have so many asides that I want to get to, and I like to speak using true sentences so I hedge what I say sometimes, and other times don't make overly ambitious claims.

Is there a way I can improve this? What do you see in your experience?

[themodelplumber]

Briefly because I'm pecking this out on an iPod :-)

In your description you have just tipped us off to an analytical gift. I would suggest that you deepen your analyses of your speaking performances, develop and test theories, and refine what you described above into a model for improvement that ever more closely fits your problem like a tightening wrench.

Archetypally, I recommend that you watch films or read books like The King's Speech and note every thought pattern and technique that you can single out. "He talked to so-and-so about X. She encouraged him to try Y. In Y he found that..." (Now, who can I talk to? How will I approach their feedback?) Even if you have no speech impediment, these patterns will probably be broadly applicable to your needs. Good luck!

[Cthulhu_]

Try and make your sentences short and to the point. Take one of the paragraphs you spoke, then repeat it over and over and over again until you're at the point and avoided the tangents. I'm no expert but I think that's also why your colleagues stop listening, because you don't get to the point. Avoid fillers too - uhs and ums, stuttering, stop-words, etc - and try to focus on bringing your point across in a single, firmly worded sentence.

So taking your one sentence:

> I have found that when I speak, I rarely command attention and captivate as some others do. Probably something in my speech patterns. Perhaps they are slightly more apologetic / geeky / nice than others. People may interrupt me or turn away, even people who respect me.

You could rephrase (and speak) this as:

> When I speak, I rarely command attention and captivate as some others do. People interrupt me or turn away, even people who respect me.

People have a short attention span. I myself tend to mostly ignore this one colleague I have because pretty much half of what he says is filler, like, a ramp-up to his point ("so uhh, basically, like"), his main point (stuttering and lots of uhs), and end-filler ("you know?"). Mind you that he's not a stutterer as such, he just needs to make noises while he's trying to think of what to say next (like uhs). Not speaking in his native language is also a factor there.

TL;DR: Firm, short, unapologetic statements. "We should do this" instead of "Uh, guys, excuse me but, like, I think we should sorta lean towards this?"

[peterwwillis]

This might help too. IEEE Resources for Engineers: Write Clearly and Concisely http://sites.ieee.org/pcs/communication-resources-for-engine...

[lucozade]

May I forward some advice that was given to me and worked quite well?

Firstly, don't worry about impostor syndrome. Given you're trying to be someone you're currently not, it's entirely normal.

Secondly, and teaching a class is perfect for this, set up a situation where you can plan what you want to say. Not word for word, but the key points you wish to get across. Make sure you're clear, to yourself, what are the key points and what are asides. When you present, it's fine to use words like "generally" and "usually" while you explain key points but stop yourself from describing or explaining asides.

The first few times are uncomfortable but it should get easier. Over time it'll start to feel wrong when you're about to talk about an aside and you should find you need less planning to keep to the main line. You may also find that this will carry over into social conversations too.

BTW if it helps you for a class context, you can always caveat the lecture up front. Something like "although what I'm about to go over is generally true there are a few corner cases that I won't cover. If you have any questions please ask".

Something else that can work is asking people to give you honest feedback about your communication style. Ask them to be completely honest and don't lead them. The key to making this work is to accept what they say at face value i.e. don't argue it, question it or offer mitigations. Just use it as feedback.

However, for this to work you do need to be able to ask for feedback without leading and accept criticism. If you're not completely sure you can do that then it's best not to try.

[psergeant]

I have coached 600+ people on how to be more engaging in their speech, for money, over several years and in several countries, as part of a previous job. This is skill, not behaviour, and it can be acquired.

[namaemuta]

Record yourself and see how people see you from outside. Since you have analyzed yourself that well (from your inside perspective) you'll catch a lot of details from seeing what you do, how do you express yourself, your pauses, your tone... then compare it with other people you admire and see what's different.

Also for the impostor syndrome, do this once in a while and compare old videos with the new ones; you'll be surprised with the result ;)

[goldenkey]

You are probably just anxious or you aren't thinking about what other people are listening for. A good speaker asks themselves what the objective is, and follows it directly. Other reasons might be: sounding whiney, squeeky, overly descriptive/ornate, or off-topic rambling. Those things are easily remedied by not talking to people about things they would find boring. ie. finding more aligned friends. Anyhow, good luck.

[maxxxxx]

"I have found that when I speak, I rarely command attention and captivate as some others do. "

Be careful with that assessment. You may captivate people like others do but you may not notice. I learned that in toastmasters. I thought that everybody had checked out of my speeches after the first minute but actually people listened and liked the speech.

[EGreg]

Interesting! How to tell?

I am basing my assessment off how often people turn their attention away or interrupt.

However during toasts and classroom teaching I do NOT experience this. Only during conversations.

[peterwwillis]

Attention is often commanded by subject. It could be that with some people you're just talking about something boring, and with others you are literally the only source of information and people paid thousands of dollars to listen to you.

Basically, try talking about something the people you are talking to want to hear.

[buttcoinslol]

Try watching some videos of engaging speakers and focus on their body language and arm movements. Body language has a tremendous influence on people, sometimes moreso than words.

[moltar]

Try Toastmasters.

[depr]

Go to a speech therapist. Very rewarding.

[johnchristopher]

Are you a woman ? I read they tend to be interrupted more by their male colleagues. The imposter syndrome is also common in tech circles.

[jacquesm]

'Gregory'.

[rwnspace]

I've been thinking about this recently as it pertains to changes in my own life... I've been training myself to be less addicted (in the general sense), and I've noticed several aspects of my 'personality' flip like a switch, in terms of preparedness to deal with uncertainty, fitting extroversion or introversion to the context, sticking up for myself but being more pragmatic in other ways.

You might (probably correctly) say I'm coming out of a depression through my own CBT interventions, though I'm pretty sure I was already on an initial upward trend because of positive environmental changes, so chicken/egg.

What you mentioned about anxiety triggered a lot of associations with Sapolsky's writing on stress (Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers etc), and how bodily aspects interleave with personality tendencies... I do wonder sometimes if a very 'Cartesian' view of personality is problematic pragmatically and philosophically. I.e., 'I'm just an introvert' can be reached by a bad diet or untreated psychiatric symptoms or low social status or just plain old preferring fewer social contacts, and so it's difficult to really /do/ anything with that conception of onself.

[bayonetz]

Hey there. I'm a personality type enthusiast and would be interested to chat about some of these things. If you're up for it, send me a note to: [e-mail]