[jwdunne]

That's a relief. Three kids mandate 9 to 5 work hours. There isn't much quality time or mental energy to dedicate after that.

It's a relief because whatever energy I have left I spend on books, articles, papers. Those things have helped my 9 to 5 in a big way. I bring what I learn to the job.

It doesn't beat hands on practice. I do itch to work on practice projects and I'm hoping when the kids are a little older, I'll have more time and energy for that.

In any case, my kids are my number one. The day my first was born was the day my motivations and my reason for being shifted.

[jdcskillet]

I couldn’t agree with you more. I wish I could do more than give you an upvote, so here is an internet cheers and just know there are a lot of people who feel the same way. I also love what I do, read when I can, but at the end of the day I work hours which allow me to be with my kids and wife as much as possible. I hope to keep getting better, to become a great engineer, but I will take the slower road if it means more family time.

[jwdunne]

Exactly the same :) the guilt of not spending time with my kids and my wife is too much. There have been times where I've tried to sit down and work on something but it's no fun when there's a strong feeling of "I should be spending this time with my family".

The other thing I've noticed is that the separation and challenge of raising children has made me more productive. You don't know stress until you've had a newborn. There are things at work that used to affect me and I look back now and think "how was that even a problem?"

[TeMPOraL]

> There have been times where I've tried to sit down and work on something but it's no fun when there's a strong feeling of "I should be spending this time with my family".

That doesn't sound like a recommendation for becoming a parent. In fact it sounds the opposite - "don't have children, or you'll guilt yourself out of every other thing you could be doing".

[pc86]

Well life is about choices. People are free not to have children. But yes, when you do you bear a certain level of responsibility to them. I think a lot of people would characterize sitting in your office building CRUD apps every night so that you have a sweet green GitHub calendar while your kids sit alone on the couch watching TV as an abdication of that responsibility.

[tellarin]

Teach them to code and do it together! ;)

[jwdunne]

Well it's not for me to recommend. I don't recommend it if you don't feel you've got where you need to be and that matters very much.

There's tonnes of reasons why I wouldn't recommend parenthood. I don't think I was ready by any margin. All I'm saying is that I don't regret it and I consider it the best decision of my life.

[mcny]

I'll say the selfish thing. There isn't (and rightly so) any law that requires us to have children. I say use it. Let the suckers who want children raise the children we need to take care of us when we are to old.

My personal recommendation us when in doubt, err on the side of not having children. Don't make life harder on you than it has to be.

[jwdunne]

Sensible advice if not coloured with the chalk of Ayn Rand!

Hopefully I do a good job and it'll be my honour when my children look after the old when they grow up.

[chrshawkes]

You don't know stress until you've had a divorce due to all of these after hours spent studying the latest fad. That is real stress and that happens to a lot of programmers. I am dealing with that personally, I have had 2 kids and I have done the best I could. Newborn stress is nothing compared to a divorce from a long term marriage.

[jwdunne]

Well there is that. One other thing I've learned is that no matter how stresses I get, there's always someone going through worse and here we are.

Sorry to hear that man, cannot imagine what you're going through - I've come close with my Mrs and it's not nice.

[enraged_camel]

>>In any case, my kids are my number one. The day my first was born was the day my motivations and my reason for being shifted.

Your kids should be your number one priority, absolutely.

Make no mistake though: when you have kids you are trading off professional development outside of work for raising a family.

Nothing wrong with that, but the trade off definitely is there. People who ambitiously work on personal projects in their spare time will, on average, advance faster than those who are 9-5'ers.

[jwdunne]

Yep and I'd have it no other way. Before kids, I used to be like that.

If I "ambitiously worked on side projects", I'd at best miss times I'll never get back and at worse be downright neglectful.

That's a "trade off" I haven't thought twice about making. There is no mistake. As I said, my kids are number one.

In fact, I'd argue it isn't much of a trade off at all. Time with my kids is infinitely more valuable than time spent on my career.

Someday :)

[mcny]

I wish it was more socially acceptable to not have children. In many parts of the world, there is still so much stigma if you marry and don't have a child within a couple of years. I am hopeful things will change and we can swing down the total fertility rate to below one.

[ido]

I'm 34 and living in Berlin - I know a low of people within ±10 years of my age here and MANY have no kids and aren't planning on having any. The norms are changing in a lot of major urban areas.

[jwdunne]

I certainly felt no pressure to have children. In fact, up until the moment I decided to have children, I always said I didn't want them.

What changed was my partner's boy, and now my boy for all intents and purposes. It made me rethink my stance and I decided to expand my family.

[kybernetikos]

> when you have kids you are trading off professional development outside of work for raising a family.

I believe that having children gave me more motivation and reason to be better at the things I do. It also forced me to structure my life a lot more which can have beneficial effects on productivity too.

[Aaargh20318]

> The day my first was born was the day my motivations and my reason for being shifted.

One of the many reasons I remain childfree.

[jwdunne]

Each to their own - I don't see it as a bad thing. Having children has made me happier and more fulfilled in ways that I could never have imagined.

You cannot know the feeling of it until you do. You cannot really understand it until you do. It changes your world.

[Aaargh20318]

> Having children has made me happier and more fulfilled in ways that I could never have imagined.

That's my main problem with it, it's super selfish to procreate. I don't feel I have the right to force new life (with all the pain and suffering that entails) onto this world for the sake of making me happy. I love my potential children too much to do that to them.

[saltedmd5]

I think this is probably the most self-indulgent thing I've ever read.

[coisnepe]

Is it just a coincidence that there was an article about this very thing a few days ago here?

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=15869983

[Aaargh20318]

In my case, yes. I've been an antinatalist for a long time.

[msla]

It's self-indulgent to not have children?

How is it not self-indulgent to have a child to fulfill your own sense of purpose?

You are utterly alien to a lot of people.

[adjkant]

I don't want to have kids in the slightest, but this is not accurate at all. You can have kids for both reasons, and enjoying the lives of your kids is not wrong if you love and care for them for their sake alone as well. In fact, when I tell people that I don't want kids, people go the other way and tell me I'm being selfish not to.

[dwheeler]

That's rediculous. For most people, having children is the most selfless possible thing. Kids are extremely expensive.

[Aaargh20318]

Use our planets limited resources because you think your DNA needs to survive ? Of course it's selfish.

Give one reason to have children that doesn't include words like "I want".

[jwdunne]

Give one reason why you do anything you do without "I want".

Wanting something isn't selfish. It entirely depends on what it is you actually want.

Oh yes, you could argue from a hardcore libertarian stance that altruism does not exist and every action is inherently selfish but is that a good way of looking at the world? I think not.

[Froyoh]

Some night even argue that not having kids is selfish.

[msla]

> Some night even argue that not having kids is selfish.

People argue all kinds of insane things.

Having kids to fulfill your own sense of purpose is very selfish.