| From the same boat, I concur with everything in TFA. Funny detail to me, I've been at this exactly twice as long as the author. Ten years together for my partner and I, now two married on top of that. I'll add my experience in the hope it helps others. We should form a meet up, or at least a mailing list. I bet there are a lot of us here. The Absolute Best Thing You Can Do in this situation: Learn to recognize and manipulate your own emotional states. Take control over what you bring into the room. On the worst days, your partner will have little no of this ability themselves. Pick up that slack and things get better faster. Read Covey, Carneige, and Cialdini for starters. They will together persuade you that you're much more susceptible to the emotion of a moment than you thought you were. And, you'll learn to see how others have controlled the emotions you've felt in the past, to drive your behaviors. It feels like magic, like cheat codes, when it clicks. And that click is the beginning of a real empathy for what you're seeing in them. You'll also learn how to get someone talking effectively about emotions in a way that loosens the hold, and gets the logical part of the brain re-engaged. Reading and talking are great, but there's so much more. Find a hobby or group that forces your hand to work nonverbal communication skills. You need somewhere to practice reading others' cues and responding with your own. Work that long enough, and you'll start to see impending anxiety before your partner experiences the brunt of it. You'll also see the anxiety states they weren't telling you about, some of which they didn't recognize as anxiety either. At that point, you've leveled up your own emotional awareness you can start leading your partner (mostly nonverbally, sometimes in detailed conversation) to raise their own. That inspires confidence. Confidence is what you want, it's the long con (ha), and a few victories in a row will let the both of you reach for new goals: things that seemed impossible months or years ago just aren't anymore. IMHO, that's the best life. |
Despite recent posts to the contrary, there's decent evidence that it works, and the (real) risks of it causing further problems seem to only be an issue when you get serious about the whole thing (retreats, 1h+ sessions).
But even just the basic stuff like taking a walk for 30 mins and practicing the quieting of your mind, or even just five minutes of doing so, might help immensely and AFAIK carries no risks.
I can highly recommend the Headspace app, but really I'd say at least at first it's pretty simple: just go for a walk, or sit somewhere, and look around. Watch the clouds or any life around you. Or something like that. When your mind goes places far away from your direct environment, acknowledge that, acknowledge where it went and, if you want, mark it as something to think, analyze, and/or obsess over at a later time (why did I go there? does it matter? am I just being anxious? I should be less anxious. what can I do to be less anxious, etc.)
It's not solved my problems, in part because it's damn hard to even just do this. But it's achievable, and whenever I do I wonder why I didn't start earlier. Because even that tiny bit of time where I manage to 'just be', it's a reminder of how nice the company of my own mind can be, that it doesn't have to be a constant struggle, and that there's good stuff worth struggling for.