Those aren't as valuable in a crisis as you might think. Pure gold and junk gold are largely interchangeable. If you want to be ready for some societal meltdown, load up on junk gold. A small gold ring is easier to barter with than a gold brick.
You can buy much smaller denominations too. There's something called the combibar which is a bar with a bunch of scored 1 gram pieces that you can snap off, like a chocolate bar.
That said, I agree that gold is probably not that useful in a collapse.
I bet drugs, canned food, and weapons/ammo are an even better thing to stock up on if you want to be ready for a TRUE meltdown, where civilization descends into total anarchy/lawlessness.
But there is a pretty wide spectrum between that and what we have now. Gold is a hedge against something like what happened to Yugoslavia, even if it's not a good hedge against the apocalypse.
The closest thing to the "apocalypse" you're likely to see is what happened in Argentina and what's happening in Venezuela.
Having a "prepper bunker" full of expensive supplies is not an asset, it just makes you a target. Having a small cache of things you can easily hide, secure, and trade is significantly better. If you have to bail in your city because things get too ugly you don't need a trailer truck to move.
Any normal person who needs more than a bug-out bag and a passport to survive is doing it wrong.
You joke, but I'd be willing to bet that TP Would retain value in much the way it can in some prisons.,. Ditto with soap. If you don't believe me, see how desperate people get for it when they don't have it.