[symlinkk]

> You need to be healthy, creative and on top of your game

If I don't take drugs I can't be on top of my game because I have no energy or focus or motivation to program without them.

> In our industry it is about being smart, not lots of hours of work

You don't get hired because someone thought you were "smart". You get hired because you're experienced in stack X or because you worked at prestigious company Y or graduated with a great GPA from prestigious university Z. X won't happen for me without drugs. I can't focus without them. Y won't happen without X. Z I can't afford and even if I could I would need drugs to get me through it. I feel like I have no choice.

[simtel20]

I hope you will believe me when I say that you will probably be able to get what you want out of an Adderall scrip a few times... But I suspect you won't get much more out of it than some code, and it will not get the move out of your current situation you want. I don't know from personal experience; I know adderral works, but if you want to be hired by a good team, it's often not just code that's being hired for, it's the person who's joining the team that is what we really want.

If you are feeling like shit after work and you want to move up and out you should consider that when most of us interview a person, we can't recommend hiring someone who is trapped. It sucks, but it has horrible effects on how a person interviews.

There is probably a way out though. I highly recommend that if you want to find some motivation for coding and for interviewing, you should use the job you have to pay for trying out some group physical activities that are not gender specific (e.g. pickup basketball is almost all male, but usually​ rock climbing is not) and learn to relax and enjoy your companions, and your activity. This will give you the head space to think about what you need for your personal project. It should provide positive feedback about you that is unrelated to your self-imate in tech. It should let you exercise your social skills, and give you the energy you need to do your project (albeit with less time, but with more focus and a clearer head) and interview comfortably.

And hopefully it'll give you a peer group that has little to do with tech who can know you on normal human level and give you important feedback to let you know you're valuable for who you are.

And here's the key: it's sustainable. Engineering, tech, etc. is a career that you may continue in for the next 40+ years. If you don't wind up working for facebook or google in your 20s, you may well end up working for their successors in your 30s when you're ready. Or you may work for someone else, which would be great too, as long as you're happy and doing what you enjoy with people you like.

[dirkdk]

You could do with some support. I am available to help you. contact me at twitter.com/dirkdk if you are open to it