[marchdown]

I could use some encouragement and life advice. I apologize if this ends up being long and whiny.

I feel like I'm stuck on the outside of the part of society where all the meaningful intellectual work happens.

Since I was a child I have always aspired to learn from the scientists and engineers and humanitarians so that I could be like them one day. I've read Hamming, Feynman, Norvig, Herbert Alexander Simon, and felt that those were the people who have gotten it right, that that's what life should be about. Explore the world, do hard, honest work of figuring things out and building something new that helps people realize their potential and live better. Find the math behind the mundane and harness it to improve the human condition.

But I've been struggling with depression for years and I'm ashamed of how I spent my time in university. I feel that I haven't found a mentor or path of my own. I've constantly felt overwhelmed and let down by myself and by the system. I feel that I don't have the skills or the resolve to just plow ahead and do things. I feel that whenever I try to do research, or write, or even think out loud it ends up with a mockery of the real thing.

Right now I've graduated from a five-year course in computational linguistics, did half a year of antidepressants, half a year of advanced math seminars and moved to Israel for a change of scenery. I would really like to find a collective here where I could learn and solve real problems. Join a startup or do a PhD.

I still have a crippling case of impostor syndrome and occasional panic attacks. If any of you here have suggestions — however specific or general, — I would really appreciate it.

[jiblyyyy]

Thanks for the honesty, let me give you some practical advice and maybe a birdseye view of your situation (or at least how I think about it)

- From your wording, I think you're looking too far ahead in the future, emphasising the long journey ahead of you.

- What I'd suggest you doing, is, kind of like this little post, start extremely TINY.

1. Pick a field you're interested in. Don't overthink it, you don't have to spend the rest of your life with this one decision. Just pick 1 thing in the next 8 seconds. It's just a tiny little experiment.

2. Find a non-profit organisation within that category that you can support with voluntary work. Again... don't overdo it. Just helping them spread the word, or simply sending them an email of appreciation for the work they're doing is a great start.

3. From the action you take in step 2, use the positive feeling you've gained to do an other tiny act of goodness. Potentially write about each tiny action you take, and keep a blog about those positive feeling/findings/etc.

I'm curious to follow your journey.

Small steps ahead, and before you know it, you can look back at a long trail of awesomeness, appreciating how you got there. Instead of looking to the future, not knowing how to get there.

[marchdown]

Thank you!

I've just send a note of appreciation to the Centre for Effective Altruism. Let's hope that's a first step. I'll try keeping track of them @ https://mastodon.xyz/web/accounts/75086

Use the positive feeling to propel myself forward, you say? I'll go help my housemates with the chores and do a writeup on formal correctness proofs.

Sure beats feeling bad about not applying for jobs here more aggressively.

I'll keep in mind your suggestion of starting tiny, starting over instead of staying stuck, and not overemphasizing the big picture. I'm grateful you took the time to answer.

[mercer]

The most specific, and yet still very general, advice I can give is meditation/mindfulness. it works even separated from more fundamental perspectives on life, but I'd argue it's especially valuable in that context.

EDIT: what I like about characters like Feynman and the stories they tell is that they seem to really confirm this approach to me. Feynman struck me as a person not too inhibited by introspection, but rather propelled by curiosity. If I meditate or let my mind rest and give up on the 'demands' of the world, I cannot help but feel that the resulting state is the kind that Feynman actively cultivated (without realizing it, perhaps). There's other stuff I feel like sharing, but honestly I believe that if you focus on this, and not just as a cool new idea but actual practice, it's likely to be worthwhile enough to make the rest inconsequential in comparison.