[humdingerindeed]

Our life circumstances are nothing alike but I think we're in similar boats. Only reason I haven't CTB yet is that it would hurt my husband too much, I don't think anyone else would care. Something in my brain is very, very ill-suited to its environment, nobody knows how to fix it, and everyone keeps telling me all I have to do is commit to $PET_TREATMENT and it'll get fixed. Since it seems like my ticket has been, if we're being honest, labelled WONTFIX, it seems a bit futile to hope for a patch.

I think a large part of it might be modern individualism and globalism. You are right, for better or worse tribalism is real. They say about half of happiness is genetic (I guess we just lost the lotto here) but strong community bonds are known to be a major component of "environmental" happiness. I left my "tribe" too, probably very common nowadays when all the good jobs are in a few cities. It's at the point now where I've moved around so much I don't really know if I can say I have a tribe or if I ever did. I'm trying to fix that now, to integrate myself into a strong community, but it's very hard. Would not bother if not for husband, I'd rather just lay down and sleep forever. It all just feels like a lot of work for not much payoff.

I dunno what else to say, I guess you have to pick a path and go with it. If you still fear death it's probably a sign you're not quite ready so I guess you may as well double down and keep trying. It's not like it really matters if it burns you out to the point of no return, if your other option was to kill yourself anyway.