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I went through something like this. What your emotions are getting conflicted on is the idea of learning your real limitations. Because, despite appearances of competence and opportunity, you've surely got flaws that would prevent you from doing something someone else would find easy. One of them is manifest right now, in that you're bailing before the commitments get too intense. This happens within youth fairly often, even when no graceful exit is possible and it's the rationally correct decision to stick with a commitment. Other people, already people younger than you, even, have gone and made hugely consequential decisions without thinking twice. Some of them are dead, so maybe you're doing all right. What an older person tends to figure out is that they are only getting more limited and closer to an end as time goes on, which makes them more motivated to focus on relative strengths and weaknesses. They will exit the situation when it plays to their weaknesses and saps their energy, and stay in and struggle when it fits their strengths and motivations. It's hard to see, though, what you are doing when you're living it every day. Somehow you ended up on HN. But why HN, and not anywhere else? Do you know how you got here, or why you stay here? These are things you can pick apart by journaling, collecting data, and trying to challenge your internal narratives. The "why" of what you do never really gets answered(because it's philosophical, hence it never reaches an end), but if you're occupying your time with struggles that you feel are worthwhile to you personally, and not just escaping forever, that's probably a good life. |