[temp246810]

I'm going through this change right now.

Some words of hard earned "wisdom": make sure the pendulum doesn't swing too far out in the other direction.

I went from being an accommodating person to an intense asshole - trying to dial it back now but it's hard, especially when you notice that people definitely respect you more for good or bad reasons when you're like that. Take it too far though, and it will of course go all the way around and bite you in the ass.

[will_pseudonym]

There's a great 5 minute clip of the clinical psychologist and professor Dr. Jordan B. Peterson talking about the dangers of being too agreeable:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVMvQhxN_M8

[unfamiliar]

His entire lecture series, which is available on his youtube channel, is absolutely fantastic and worth every minute. It is probably one of the most engaging and enlightening bodies of work I have experienced in any format.

[toomuchtodo]

Just wanted to say thank you for this. I've already watched several of his videos this evening and started a monthly Patreon donation. So good!

[abyssin]

Did you follow any kind of playlist? Could you provide a link?

[toomuchtodo]

There should be a sibling post in this thread with a playlist link.

[will_pseudonym]

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=14419858

[qntty]

Can you point me to the videos that you found enlightening?

[will_pseudonym]

I would recommend starting with the 2017 semester of his Maps of Meaning course. The first topic is a discussion of the themes and philosophy of the story of Pinocchio. It's really good.

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL22J3VaeABQAT-0aSPq-OK...

[gukov]

His two podcasts with Joe Rogan are the best. Joe himself said as much.

[will_pseudonym]

Absolutely. I also am a big proponent of his Self Authoring program.

selfauthoring.com

[nickpsecurity]

That was a solid, quick presentation of key ideas that could impact people a lot. Most psych links I see people post aren't like that. Great video! Thanks for sharing it.

[vanderreeah]

If anyone reads this it will be downvoted but he is a transphobic asshole.

[graycateyes]

Thank you for sharing this!

[maxxxxx]

"I went from being an accommodating person to an intense asshole "

I have gone through the same process. Maybe it's because I am getting old, meditation or I just don't care anymore, I have slowly learned what's really important to me. I am generally pretty accommodating but for some things I won't negotiate and just say "No" without any further explanation.

This seems to work reasonably well with most people.

I don't really know what I am trying to say but maybe it's to have your priorities figured out and be flexible with unimportant stuff but firm with important stuff. That is, stuff that's important to you, not somebody else.

[iamacynic]

the trick is to finely calibrate your bullshit meter through life experiences.

what people tend to respect innately is a genuinely nice person who can instantly turn into a no-holds-barred asshole if bad intentions are detected.

[ThrustVectoring]

IMO, the trick is to have control over the level of accommodation you present to different people and different situations. The key quote from the article:

>I gave to them for years, at the expense of those who had a far better claim upon my generosity.

There's a life skill getting pointed at here. Specifically, comparing the demand to the level of obligation you want to fulfill, and reacting appropriately. There's another higher-level skill of figuring out what the results of different obligation levels are and strategically choosing them.

Basically, saying "yes" implies saying "no" to the alternatives, and sometimes those alternatives are far better.

[pdonis]

> the trick is to have control over the level of accommodation you present to different people and different situations

Exactly.

[will_pseudonym]

For many people, it's not about detecting someone with bad intentions. It's about not liking conflict so much that they don't know how not to accommodate by default. Over accommodation of a good person you're close with can be just as detrimental as over accommodation of a shitty person.

[balabaster]

I'll second this. If you're over accommodating with your partner, it's just as detrimental to your own mental health and the health of your relationship as it is with a shitty person. The danger here is that we tend to be more accommodating with people we like than those we don't and so we don't even realize we're doing it until it's too late.

[theparanoid]

People really respect power. An accommodating person has none because they say yes to everything.

[ThrustVectoring]

Yeah. If two people ask for things that are mutually exclusive, there's a huge problem if you can't say no to one of them. If there's no concept of "no", then "yes" becomes much less meaningful.

In social dance contexts, I'm usually happy when people decline to dance with me. It's dead obvious when someone isn't enthusiastic about the dance, and much less fun than getting shot down. Similarly in business contexts - an unreliable "yes" is worse than a "no", because you can get burned relying on the "yes" you did get rather than trying elsewhere after the "no".

[kirse]

the trick is to finely calibrate your bullshit meter

Not really, the "trick" is actually contained within the wisdom of the last paragraph of the piece.