[abalashov]

Yeah, so what ends up happening is sooner or later one ends up pulling dating partners from eccentric and probably unhealthy places. And the ones most willing to engage have their own reasons for seeking out a lonely programmer.

One can find great partners in such places, but it's really a spin of the Roulette wheel. They lack the proven characteristics of partners from healthy and likeminded peer groups. And they're likely to have fallen off the back of the wagon for their own reasons—sometimes good, but quite often, bad.

[J-dawg]

Everyone in this thread is talking in rather vague terms. I have a feeling I understand what you mean but I'm not sure. Can you (or anyone else) give an example of what you're referring to?

[abalashov]

I don't think we're being deliberately vague, the answer just varies for different people.

Generically, bad places to pull a spouse from: online dating sites/apps, bars, concerts, large parties, etc. Just about anywhere that attracts people from a variety of social strata and offers zero curation for common values, education or habits of mind, and/or doesn't sort people in any way based on useful proxies for those things.

The trouble is that those sources are tempting if you are socially isolated (from the opposite gender) and perceive yourself to have few options, and/or because you're lazy or fatigued from the ever-frustrating chase.

Always bad? No. But the median outcome is going to be worse than with other, more enlightened dating strategies.

[J-dawg]

So, lonely guys in male-dominated jobs get desperate and make bad dating choices in an attempt to avoid loneliness, which often ultimately backfire.

Yup, that's about what I thought.

[abalashov]

Yeah, but when most people think "backfire", they think "painful breakup" backfire. It can get a whole lot worse than that. "Bad dating choices" can be an underwhelming euphemism at times. It all depends on what kind of hornet's nest you get into.

If you marry the wrong person because you dated the wrong person via one of these mechanisms, you can end up in a really dark place.

[valueprop]

Right (been there). Any advice on solutions? What are the good places, how to join?

[abalashov]

If I had a good answer for you, my own life might have gone differently.

[lohengramm]

I can totally relate to that... And considering I am HPV+, the "unhealthy" part might be taken both figuratively and literally. :)

In my case, what could have helped me is guidance. Someone to tell me how to find the balance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsPoBXemFmg

[stickfigure]

considering I am HPV+

Uh... you and the rest of the world. You sound like you have some emotional angst about this, so I'll tell you what I learned a few years ago I wrote an HPV epidemiology simulator for a certain large pharmaceutical company (based on the best published studies at the time).

80% of the sexually active population will get at least one strain of HPV in their lifetime. >40% of people in their early 20s have at least one strain of HPV right now. Most people clear HPV (it becomes undetectable) in 1-2 years (mean of 8 months); the cancer cases appear to be the small percentage of unlucky ones whose immune systems don't. There's some debate whether HPV goes dormant or people just get reinfected. It's a hard theory to test because humans are constantly getting exposed to HPV.

Being "HPV+" is not like being "HIV+". It is not rare or permanent, and if you're out of your teens you can pretty much assume that 2/3 of the people you meet are also "HPV+". Unfortunately some strains increase the probability of certain cancers, and it's very much worth vaccinating against them EARLY. But you pretty much can't avoid HPV unless you become a hermit.

[lohengramm]

Hey, thank you for taking the time to share your knowledge. I am aware of how common it is.

I mentioned it now mostly because I am sure I have exposed myself to risky situations (that could have gotten me a way worse outcome than HPV) out of trying to "solve" loneliness, as we are discussing here. (And I ended up being one of the unlucky with persistent high risk strain, had a couple of cauterizations done.)

[abalashov]

I mentioned it now mostly because I am sure I have exposed myself to risky situations (that could have gotten me a way worse outcome than HPV) out of trying to "solve" loneliness

Yep. Same here, for exact same reasons.

Coming from a somewhat sheltered (or at least, exposed to different kinds of problems) university background, I was not adept at identifying dangerous situations as they relate to drugs, disease and mental health in other segments of society. Missed or downplayed the red flags. Got lonely, walked right into dealing with uh, other segments of society. Learned the hard way. I do, as you do, count myself very lucky. I lost a lot, but at least I'm alive.

[jacobush]

In as a non value added way possible I want to add that the roulette wheel analogy holds really well - sometimes, only sometimes, the wheel pays out a HUGE win to a really lucky couple.

Most often, not.