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Thank you for posting this; I'm not a public figure, but quickly rising through the ranks of a Fortune 500 corporation -- maybe through skill, or maybe manipulation, I've honestly lost track at this point. I wouldn't consider myself "genius", but definitely above average, and people that "know" me tell me I'm too smart for my own good. I've slowly come to realize that I am what would be considered sociopathic, I find it incredibly difficult to feel empathy, and to form deep relationships (especially intimate ones), most of it is due to logic, that I time and time again I ask myself "why should I care?" and most of the time I can't answer that question. In that sense it is a handicap, sometimes I have periods of crushing loneliness but then quite quickly I can rationalize it into a strength, that I am not bound by human needs and can leverage that to grasp total control, to make money, etc. You do learn to fake a lot of it, you have to, but I find myself slipping sometimes in public by dropping some line and catching some strange looks, thankfully people chalk it up to my "eccentricity." That made my childhood a bit difficult, because at that age you don't even know what is supposed to be normal, but quickly you realize that you're supposed to feel happy in these situations, but in other you need to appear somber. The sheer idea that I needed to "think" about how to act in certain situations, and eventually realizing that others don't do that was certainly difficult, not in the sense of remorse or anything but rather realizing that you are a total outsider look in. I find that slowly revealing who you are can work sometimes, up to a point, before people start to get scared. It's also interesting to see some people to think that I'm judging them or remotely care about their existence, when in reality I simply don't care about them at all; I think I told my parents that once, which was met by a strange reactions (guess I won't say it again). To me it seems all perfectly rational and normal; Why would you care about other people? Why not live for yourself? Why not take advantage of other to further your interests? Life has to meaning, so any meaning you assign is just as equally valid. As I continue to interact with people that have no ambition, that are afraid to do something because it might hurt other people the more I fall into the idea that most people are cattle to be taken advantage of by the likes of GP, Trump, Bankers, and others; And yeah in the end you do realize that you are broken and ugly, that you will never be like the others. If I had any regrets I'd say its not being able to enjoy love as others do, especially when I was younger. But I simply can't see the reason why I would want to do that, there is very little utility, and I feel like it would only slow me down (although having a partner that shares my world view would be nice -- a la Mr Robot's Evil Corp CTO -- but finding that person is difficult since that would require us both disclosing our true personalities). |