[throwaway3301]

I don't have an answer for you. I just wanted to say that I struggle with the same ideas. I feel like I'm wasting my youth obsessing over these ideas. I feel like I'll disappoint everyone if I stop keeping up this cycle you describe. Sometimes I feel handcuffed to my life.

[oddlyaromatic]

Do you have a specific alternative in mind? Can you dip a toe in the water without changing everything completely? The people in your life want you to be happy and safe and secure. They probably won't be disappointed if you go do something crazy but I bet their love to see that your backup plan is solid.