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That sounds really awful. You've followed the recipe, gotten the killer career, the fat stacks, and the hot wife, and there you are, still miserable. Please try your best not to read this as being condescending - I have a weakness for making valiant, often vain attempts at reaching out to and helping people who are miserable, because I've been there myself. There's good news, and bad news. The bad news is that the things that are supposed to make us happy are cultural constructs, illusions and soporifics that for whatever reason, fail completely to bring any happiness or meaning to the lives of people like you and me. We're born, we try feverishly and frantically to grab onto the happiness and meaning that seem to come so easily to others, and when we die it's a stillbirth - we've never really lived. The good news (which may also sound kind of bad, depending on how you feel about certain things), is that humans throughout history have run up against this, and some of them have sat down and tried to solve the problem. Like all the best solutions, theirs were counter-intuitive, paradoxical to the ignorant, and easily mocked by those who had no need for them. These were of course the philosophers, mystics, and many of those who we think of today as religious figures. What they discovered was essentially the technology of human happiness. I should stop to point out here that I'm not suggesting that you can fix your ASD stuff. What I am suggesting that it's not the proximate cause of your unhappiness. Sure, being excluded and lonely may be the result of your condition, but lots of people have that experience for other reasons and go on to lead happy lives. It's your reaction to your situation that's causing you pain. I don't want to be prescriptive about where to start, but as intellectually appealing as philosophy might be, the bullshit to insight ratio is extremely high compared to what people generally refer to as spirituality or religion. Approaching the technology of happiness through Plato is a bit like trying to learn how to program by reading Turing's papers on computing - everything you need is theoretically there, but it's going to require a herculean effort before you can make software. It's better to revisit it once you have something that works in your life. I'm not saying you have to believe in god, jesus, or magic. Some religious traditions leave these out entirely - for example in Buddhism offers an accessible path involving reincarnation, Bodhisattvas (saints), and miracles, and an alternative one in the Zen and Theravada traditions in which these things are taken as symbols rather than the signified. Buddhism is, to the best of my knowledge, the only religion in which this bifurcation is explicitly acknowledged, although some Christian and Muslim Neoplatonists constructed similar arguments that never became part of the broader doctrine. Another commenter has suggested psychedelics. I've had earth shattering spiritual experiences on them, and I've also had less intense but much clearer and more lasting ones in the more traditional pursuit of understanding. YMMV. Finally, if by some (figurative) miracle you've made it this far, it's important to note that learning about this stuff does nothing. You have to practice it, engage in it, and be changed by it. This is deeply fucking uncomfortable process, and it takes time. Best of luck. |