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I'm dismayed to see most of the advice given to you by HN is bad. I am in a very similar situation, and it has been ongoing for years. I have also been bullied for some substantial parts of my life, so I understand the power dynamic very well. In my recent experience, there is a playbook that you should use. This playbook is designed to be used in a one-on-one setting, between the bully and the person defending herself. I consider it fairly literal; you should memorize this sequence, rehearse it, and play it out as close as possible to how you rehearse. It is also intended to be used without any emotion; the goal is to be as matter-of-fact as humanly possible. It goes like this: 1. Point out a very specific problem behavior (screaming at you, some other event). Be as specific as possible, and use times/dates if you know them. There should be zero ambiguity about this, and the bully should never have leeway to disclaim the event.
2. Explain how it made you feel (angry, demotivated, alienated, etc.)
3. Say "when you did #1, the message I received was (.....) Was that the intended message?". A common example from my own experience is "I feel like I'm perceived as incompetent, and not any value to the team."
4. Regardless of the answer to #3, specifically say the words "In the future, don't do that again." Don't use the words "request" or "would like" in this response.
5. Explain the consequences of breaking directive #4. Something like "If this happens again, I will report the incident to HR (or your manager)." This recipe has corrected nearly every incident of harassment and bullying I have encountered (well, at least as an adult). It won't fix the underlying issues; someone might still hate your guts, be jealous of you, or use you as a scapegoat. Those are deeper issues that this kind of recipe can't address. Nonetheless, this script directly addresses the problematic behavior, and it opens the door to confronting some deeper problems once the bully realizes that their bullying is visible and unaccepted. Strange as it sounds, most bullies think that their behavior is invisible to all but the victim. Exposing the bully to others can shift the power balance substantially. The other thing I recommend is to keep a work diary. You don't need to write in it every day (although, in a problem workplace, you may end up with >1 entries a day). In this diary, I encourage you to record events that took place, how you feel about them, and any technical consequences of that event. I have noticed that bullying tends to produce technical changes in team function which hurts the product and hurts the operational efficiency of the group. If these kinds of disputes ever escalate to HR, which sounds very likely in your case, you will need this diary to establish a pattern of behavior and demand resolution. It will become your most valuable tool to improve your situation. It also serves as a somewhat impartial record of what happened. You may decide that, after reviewing X months of work diary, these issues are not that serious, and your emotional reaction is dominating how you feel. In my own case, I expected this to be true (I didn't trust myself enough), but it became obvious after a 1.5-year diary review that the problem wasn't me. :) Good luck. |