[buckbova]

> people are less likely to feel or express gratitude at work than anyplace else. And they’re not thankful for their current jobs, ranking them dead last in a list of things they’re grateful for.

First off I don't want to be thanked or praised, I want to be PAID. If I do a great job give me more money, a day off, or something tangible. I don't want a non-monetary gift either. I have a drawer full of work trophies. It's nonsense. Why should I be thankful I have a job? I've earned this.

I used to have a manager that would thank me all the time and then praise me for the littlest thing. It lost any meaning it may have had and often feels more manipulative than anything. Student of the one minute manager https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_One_Minute_Manager.

I thank my co-workers all the time though because they don't have to be nice or helpful. And I nearly always help a co-worker when they ask for it and sometimes when they don't. I typically get a thank you. Thanks and praise from my teammates goes well beyond anything from a higher up. Maybe I'm cynical, but it nearly always feels like I'm being placated in some way.

Edit:

I think it goes further to respect and listen to the opinions of your fellow co-workers and your employees. Take all opinions into consideration. Do not dismiss anything immediately. Acknowledge those who've contributed yes, when taking any sort of credit when speaking to other higher-ups or outside the department.

Also respect a person's work. Don't throw it away for a complete rewrite because that's easier than trying to understand it and don't suggest a revision without fully considering what already exists.

[roflc0ptic]

I'm moving towards a lead dev role, running a small group (3 other devs). I always try to thank people, and include enough specific detail that it's plausible. One dev, fresh to a problem, recently identified a place where if we used a multi-map instead of a map, it would solve problems that had plagued us for months. My response was "Fuck yeah, we've been trying to figure out how to work around that for months. Good catch." I praised another dev who just joined for getting a whole lot more done in her first two weeks than I expected. Entirely new language and tech stack on a sophisticated application. It's impressive. I said so.

Remuneration aside, they're humans who benefit from positive validation. It seems well recieved. Maybe an important point is I actually am grateful that they're good at their jobs. Man, working with competent people who aren't phoning it in is a pleasure.

And yeah, in the abstract, my position with my employer is basically "fuck you, pay me." But that's just a sine qua non. Whether or not I like being there is contingent on how I'm treated.

[Mz]

My response was "Fuck yeah, we've been trying to figure out how to work around that for months. Good catch." I praised another dev who just joined for getting a whole lot more done in her first two weeks than I expected. Entirely new language and tech stack on a sophisticated application. It's impressive. I said so.

Your anecdotes are not about thanking people or expressing gratitude. I kind of agree with both you and the GP comment. I am a woman and my life taught me to do a lot of emotional labor. It mostly has not led to money.

I think discussions about stuff like this are probably overlooking something important. As best I can tell, being too touchy feely personal reads as "I love YOU" and is problematic. A better message is "I love your work, good job!" and that seems to be the note you are hitting.

So: Good job!

[roflc0ptic]

That is an interesting point. I had not made that distinction, and didn't really realize that was my MO. Maybe there's a rule to be conjectured there about praising actions instead of people.

Insightful. Good job :)

[pjlegato]

Indeed, you have summed up a huge problem with SF area culture: many people think that these fake-nice platitudes are meaningful, and also use them against others on a large scale in their daily life as a form of pervasive emotional manipulation -- often to avoid paying someone money.

[maxxxxx]

Honesty is the key. If you can fake it you are golden.

[lostcolony]

You're pretty close here.

I've been at places where there was no thanks, no money, no nothing, but I was empowered and left alone enough to get things done. That was okay, but it still felt a little thankless (obviously).

I have been at places where there was little empowerment, but where there was monetary rewarding of people who somehow still managed to achieve things by working outside of the box. That was even worse; they recognized we did a good job, but didn't actually translate that to "let them be empowered to make decisions".

People aren't dumb. They can tell when they're actually appreciated. It's a combination of things. If an employer truly respects and appreciates an employee, the employee knows they will respond with verbal thanks, some sort of gift or reward (often limited by corporate, but could be something as simple as buying lunch, if that's an infrequent thing), and look to empower the employee further to continue their good work. Dropping the ball on any of these will leave it feeling disingenuous.

[BeetleB]

First, I'll state the obvious: It's not an either-or.

Second, if you look at research on incentives, I think you'll find reducing everything to money tends to backfire, where people who used to go the extra mile in the past stopped doing so because they knew the amount of money they would get would be little.

Think of this scenario some of us have been in. A friend of mine who's big on cars insisted he change my oil for me. He insisted paying Jiffy Lube is a big ripoff. So he did the work, and then I tried giving him some money. He got very offended.

I needed to visit a city for some personal work for a few days, and stayed at a friend's place while there. I tried paying him a nominal amount for his hospitality. Result: He was offended.

However, in both cases, if I repay them by buying them coffee or a lunch, there would be no offense. From my perspective, the outcome is the same: I lose the same amount of money. But on their side, the response is drastically different.

I won't get into which approach is "correct" or "better". The reality is that, in most societies, including the US, the majority behaves this way.

Dan Ariely in one of his books talks about the research involving what he calls "social" vs "market" contracts. The former is usually non-financial, and often involves favors we do for friends. The latter is usually precise and monetary.

Now of course, it depends on the type of work you do, but for most salaried positions, it is a mistake to assume that only market contracts apply ("I do work, and I get paid for it"). What Dan Ariely's chapter shows, is that when companies do lean towards mostly market contracts, bad things happen: Poorer productivity, fractious work environments, etc.

Even if you're getting paid, there is a place for both types of contracts. If you're one of those who care only for the amount you get paid, you're definitely not someone our team wants to hire. I've seen this even within my company - one org takes care of both contracts, and another doesn't. I used to be in the latter and I'm glad I left for the former.

In my company, we have a tool where any employee can thank any other employee with a greeting card. The recipient's manager is notified. The "thanker" can attach company money to it (almost always do) - a nominal amount. Anything over about $30 needs to be approved, but anything under is provided without managerial approval - the company just provides a fund for this.

I think it works well, and in my department, we are frequently encouraged to thank others using the tool for both big and small things.

It doesn't impact your annual review at all. You still have the usual process to get a raise, promotion, etc.

[TeMPOraL]

I agree that workplace is not just about "market" contracts. It's full of "social" contracts too. And if all the parties fulfill their "market" obligations properly, there's no reason to dislike giving or receiving signs of gratitude. The problem starts when some clever manager thinks he can pay you "social" coins in lieu of monetary compensation. Everyone wants to have a nice workplace, but it's not a party; people come there to perform services in exchange for currency.

I'd say the issue is subtle, it's kind of "push" vs. "pull" thing. It's great if people believe in your mission so much they're willing to work overtime for free, or be paid low. But if you start to expect people to work overtime or accept low pay because mission!, then I'd say you've just broken the "social" contract of not being a manipulative asshole, and we're back to "fuck you, pay me" situation.