[halostatue]

Sad face. Nix is the one package manager that looked portable enough and interesting enough to push as a “single” manager for pretty much any system.

[groovy2shoes]

Have you had a look at pkgsrc? I know it's not as interesting as Nix or Guix, but I've had very good luck using it on OSX and various Linux distros, as well as its natural habitat of NetBSD.

http://pkgsrc.org/