[dpark]

I have trouble understanding why people go through such lengths to maintain a hidden affair. If you've decided to have a long-term relationship with the new person, why not just file for divorce instead of going through ridiculous lengths to hide your new relationship? It seems like a lot of trouble, plus it makes it very clear that you're a terrible person when it's discovered.

Please forgive my nosy question, but was she financially dependent on you or was there some other reason for her to maintain the marriage?

[DanBC]

Affairs aren't about leaving your current partner and starting with someone new. The point of many affairs is the keeping it hidden stuff which adds to the excitement.

[dpark]

Fair enough. That jives with my belief that anyone engaging in a long term affair is basically just a terrible human being, though. I'd like to believe that there is some way that people having affairs aren't necessarily horrible, but I can't see how anyone could get their thrills at the direct expense of the person they swore to love forever and not just be a horrible human.

[brokenmachine]

Maybe they're just not thinking about the other person's feelings.

The fact they are actively trying to hide it could also be because they are trying not to hurt them.

It's hard to argue that they are getting thrills at the direct expense of an unknowing party, if they don't get caught. Of course, just putting the one you're supposed to be in love with at the risk of hurt is fairly horrible.

The cynic in me also just doesn't think it's sane to expect that an oath to love forever could be relied upon anyway, and the statistics do bear this out.

[dpark]

> The fact they are actively trying to hide it could also be because they are trying not to hurt them.

Eh, kind of doubt it. Most people would rather have their partner break up than cheat on them. It's considerably less hurtful to just leave someone than to carry on a hidden affair.

> The cynic in me also just doesn't think it's sane to expect that an oath to love forever could be relied upon anyway, and the statistics do bear this out.

I guess the optimist in me believes that if a partner is no longer in love and no longer interested in trying, they should break up rather than cheat. Similarly, I believe a business partner who no longer wants to be involved in the business should sell off their shares rather than purposely tanking the business.

[brokenmachine]

> It's considerably less hurtful to just leave someone than to carry on a hidden affair.

Not if nobody finds out about the hidden affair. But yes, it's a douchey thing to do.

> I guess the optimist in me believes that if a partner is no longer in love and no longer interested in trying, they should break up rather than cheat.

That doesn't sound terribly optimistic to me, optimistic IMO would be believing that a vow for love forever might have a chance of working.

[sangnoir]

> It's hard to argue that they are getting thrills at the direct expense of an unknowing party, if they don't get caught.

"It is only bad if you get caught" is an absurd justification for anything. Is it okay for me to break in and stay in your home while you are away, if you don't find out?

[brokenmachine]

If there are literally zero effects, then yes, you are welcome to break into my house.

[danieltillett]

Some people like to have their cake and eat it.