When you redoubled your efforts was she also redoubling her efforts in parallel? I'm curious because the way I see these stories almost universally implies the relationship quality is down to the man's effort
Meh, some women like to be pursued. Some don't. Some guys like to do the pursuing. Some don't. Sure, societal perceptions are one way, but it's up to you whether you let that define how you date. Going with societal perceptions will probably make you marginally more successful, while going with how you feel will be more comfortable.
If you devote the rest of your life to changing societal perceptions on this issue, you might be able to do it, but you might not succeed until after you're dead. It's not going to help you date--it will probably be counterproductive to that goal. And you probably only will have time and energy to pursue one change of that scale in your lifetime. Is this the thing you want to change with your life?
Ultimately, sure, you're right. It's not inherently only the man's responsibility to make the relationship happen/work/whatever. But that's not a productive truth; there's no pragmatic action that comes out of that. Sure, complain about it on HN if that makes you feel better, but if you actually want to succeed at dating the best thing you can do is suck it up and work around it.
EDIT: To add to this: the basis for this is evolutionary, and it takes an immense amount of work to get societal pressures to override behaviors that are built into our DNA. It's not clear that this will even be possible to change, even if some people devote the rest of their lives to it.
Yes, she did, and I would say she worked at it much more than I did for quite a while. Both of us are what is called traditional, so I think there's a lot of truth to the idea that the man is the leader in the relationship. Not a popular view these days, but I don't care. The women I've observed in such traditional relationships generally do work very hard at it, so saying that is not at all meant to take anything away from them.
If you devote the rest of your life to changing societal perceptions on this issue, you might be able to do it, but you might not succeed until after you're dead. It's not going to help you date--it will probably be counterproductive to that goal. And you probably only will have time and energy to pursue one change of that scale in your lifetime. Is this the thing you want to change with your life?
Ultimately, sure, you're right. It's not inherently only the man's responsibility to make the relationship happen/work/whatever. But that's not a productive truth; there's no pragmatic action that comes out of that. Sure, complain about it on HN if that makes you feel better, but if you actually want to succeed at dating the best thing you can do is suck it up and work around it.
EDIT: To add to this: the basis for this is evolutionary, and it takes an immense amount of work to get societal pressures to override behaviors that are built into our DNA. It's not clear that this will even be possible to change, even if some people devote the rest of their lives to it.