[transman]

I battled with a lot of the same challenges, but ultimately, I am much more like the men in my life and much less like the women in my life.

At a certain point, every gendered action, from saying my name (very female) to walking into the women's bathroom honestly felt like lying! So I transitioned.

I've been so at peace with myself since transitioning! Ironically, I've also been able to be a more effective advocate for all genders because now I'm in the "boys club". By that I mean, pointing out when someone is treating men or women differently just because of gender, but also helping highlight when someone is expecting different treatment just because of their own gender.

I'm both happier about myself and a more effective advocate for treating everyone equally!

[kough]

I'm happy to hear that you were able to make a series of choices that made you happier! I hope that you didn't feel attacked by my comment -- the "needless/useless" comment was intended to be with regards to my own situation, not a prescription for others. I think it's an easy trap to fall in to, wanting to prescribe your own beliefs upon others and make the world in your own image ("if only they'd all just listen to me!"), but ultimately ineffective.

> Ironically, I've also been able to be a more effective advocate for all genders because now I'm in the "boys club". By that I mean, pointing out when someone is treating men or women differently just because of gender, but also helping highlight when someone is expecting different treatment just because of their own gender.

That's awesome! I like to think that I'm still an effective advocate for equality despite not identifying as genderqueer or taking any particular pains to present a certain way. As a logical extension of the beliefs and decisions described in my original comment, I try to do my best to set a positive role model by making myself happy while presenting as $GENDER rather than genderqueer. Be the change you want to see in the world, and all that.

[transman]

> I hope that you didn't feel attacked by my comment

While I'm human and may have a visceral reaction to some things, I've also learned to regularly take a step back to check myself and my reactions. Written communication requires this even more so than face to face!

> the "needless/useless" comment was intended to be with regards to my own situation, not a prescription for others.

This is one of the hardest things for many people to understand. In a group therapy setting, one of the most common tenets (next to confidentiality) is the concept of "I" statements. In other words, the speaker should never speak for another person or tell another person what to do. You absolutely used an "I" statement approach, and I really appreciate that you did so!

> > Ironically, I've also been able to be a more effective advocate for all genders because now I'm in the "boys club".

It took me a while to embrace this perspective, precisely because it shouldn't matter. But there are people, men and women, who simply respond better when a person of a specific gender says something. Typically men have more authority. (There's actually a fair bit of research about this. For example, in the 'intelligent agent' community an agent that is given a white male appearance will be trusted more than the exact same agent with the appearance of a white female or a black agent of either gender). So, I've tried to harness this when it seems to be the most effective approach to address discrimination. Every now and then, I suspect the person I'm interacting with will respond better if they know my background, so on occasion I've come out so that I can more effectively communicate with the person.

There are a couple of the reasons it took me so long to embrace this perspective. First, I want everyone to have an equal voice, in other words, I don't want my voice to count more now just because it's deeper and comes from a hairy face; unfortunately, we're not there yet. Second, I just want to be me, I don't constantly want to be in trans/gender advocacy mode. About a year after transitioning, I realized that because I was treated as a girl/woman by the world for so long (and a non-gender conforming one for many of those years) and I absolutely pass as a guy now, I really am in a very unusual place. So as much as I want to just hide out in the closet, I feel responsible to everyone to fight discrimination in a way that very few can.

Based on your language and my time in the LGBTQ community, I'm assuming some things about your age. If I'm correct, just the fact that you questioned your gender and are discussing that process is a very different type of advocacy, but it is absolutely advocacy none the less! It's been nice being able to see the generational differences, and there's been so much progress since I first realized I was different!

Interestingly, my mother went through a questioning period (long before there was any language for it) and came to a conclusion much like yours. So when I first came out to her as a young kid, she thought my questioning was normal, that I would outgrow it, and that it meant she needed to fight even more for women's rights (because she thought that was the root of it for me). In many respects, she was my strongest ally but also the most painful thorn in my side. Several years after I transitioned, there was an incident in which her language actually put my well-being in severe jeopardy. It took that incident before she realized her experience is not my experience, and that neither of our experiences is definitively right or wrong. Rather our experiences, reactions, and identity are simply our own. It was a painful period for both of us, but she's become an even stronger ally as a result.

I look forward to a time when race, gender, age, etc. aren't used to justify violence or discrimination. Until then, I'll keep using my unusual position to advocate for movement toward that goal. Be the change, and all that. Between all of us, progress will continue.