[innertracks]

7.62x39 was going to be my bullet of choice. 10 years or so of depression was enough. Until I saw my 3 year old daughter down the hall while I was heading to the closet to get the rifle. In that moment, I chose to endure the pain for her. Not that I didn't think about it again, many times, over the years.

A friend happened to call a few days later. He convinced me to schedule a doctor's appointment that day. Tip: The receptionist will find a slot the same day when you tell them you had to give your guns to a friend just in case. Be honest with them.

Sleep, light, medication,therapy, nutrition, hydration, friends you can call. Figuring it all out can be complex. Getting help is vital so keep looking until you find the help. Finding the right therapist may take a while.

It took me almost 10 years before I stopped having suicidal thoughts after my near miss. Another 5 years before I figured out one of the main reasons for what I was experiencing. Nearly 25 years total of the pain of depression because I figured I could handle it myself.

I was wrong.

Get the help.

[md224]

Nobody should have to suffer for even a single year. We really need to improve treatment for depression.

[_lsjg]

We really need to get rid of stigma of depression and mental illnesses in general. So people can actually get the treatment, not hide how they feel because what others might think.

[thisislame]

The stigma of depression and mental illness in society will never abate in a society with a labor surplus, especially one where employers subsidize health care.

Health conditions of all kinds (depression, pregnancy, obesity, etc.) are just another filter condition like bad credit, arrest records, substandard education, etc. that are used to winnow the labor force.

Only in the tech bubble (in the sense of a world temporarily apart) where skilled labor is, at the moment, relatively scarce, are these factors overlooked when hiring for "career" positions.

This sucks, and I hate it, but I'm not blind to reality. In a world where most people work for a living, and where there are fewer jobs than people, having anything "wrong" with oneself is a huge liability.

[jwise0]

Thank you for your courage to post this here.

[samstave]

One of the things that adds to my depression is that the therapist was also charging $250/hour and I couldnt afford to continue with her.

So I had to stop - because I have three children and I need to cover the expenses for them as a priority. They are the only thing that keeps me here, as I too had to do what you did.

[ramblinreck]

Daughters can be wonderful creatures. Mine has helped me in so many ways she will never realize. I too found my way thru the fog to the light.

[depressedfather]

I'm afraid I'm a weight on them.

[hollander]

Not being there will also be a weight on them. Being there is the better choice.

Explain, if they're old enough. Find help (online or offline) in finding out at what you can explain to them. Find help to get rid of your stories without having to tell them to your kids if you don't need that.

Being afraid comes with the territory I guess. Acknowledge that. Accept it. Explain it. Explain that you cannot always acknowledge or accept it. Accept that you cannot always explain it.

Do your best, how messy it is.

And maybe you know all this, maybe you do all this. I don't know you, don't know your story. But it is as it is. You cannot give them another father. You probably cannot change how you feel. So they have to live with it, as you, and find a way.

[innertracks]

Please do not ever give up.

[sosuke]

Thanks for your strength. I've had too many people close to me deny it, it can feel unbearable. One has come around I think but they we're not close enough for me to know certainly. That seems bonkers considering the relation is one of the closest possible.

The other goes back and forth. Maddening reasons and ideas to justify going on and off.

[depressedfather]

I'm glad you've overcome this. For my part it's been 30 years, probably 40 if my childhood memories make any sense. I've started to notice that my daughters switch from laughter to sadness when their gaze reaches me. I'm not sure staying around is helping them.

[uptown]

I keep checking back on this post because the discussion here is some of the most real stuff I've read on HN. Thank you for spurring that. The world, and most people's lives are a messy thing. But I can assure you your daughters will be irreparably worse-off if you were to end your life. That you worry about what is best for them tells me that you care deeply for them, as I'm sure they care about you. Please don't break that connection. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'd absolutely recommend a professional over what I'd be able to provide, but I'd be happy to listen or talk if you'd rather speak with a stranger. My contact info is in my profile.

[sunnybg]

You'd hurt them immensely more by being gone than by staying around. Please remember that.

[dennisgorelik]

How do you know that improvement didn't simply come with age?

[innertracks]

Some improvement did come with age. Perspective is amazingly helpful.

Along the way though I was able to find things that helped very noticeably. Some were physical, some were mind related, some were social, etc...

Bits and pieces that when put together did make a difference. Learning to take care of myself and remember to continue doing those things that were healthy for me has probably been a benefit of age as well.

The pieces of my puzzle: Therapy, hypnotherapy, dance (Argentine Tango), exercise, sleep, meditation, hydration, light levels, type of work, healthy relationships.

This was huge: Someone pointed out how I loved myself enough to be willing to destroy myself with such violence. Quite a shift in perspective! The realization of that love for self helped me switch to an amazingly hopeful resourceful place. The shift is difficult to describe though very real for me.

EDIT: Added to the puzzle pieces list.

[trepiedle]

This overwhelming... good luck!