| “For those of you who just can’t be trusted to not blow your allowance. It's not condescending, we swear.” “Do you keep track of your finances? That’s great because we’ll be withdrawing random amounts into your 'piggy bank' at random times … and maybe even our 'piggy bank' once or twice ;)” “Do you work for Yelp! and still find yourself blowing all your money on luxury whiskeys and restaurant food? Let us help you with your backup plan before getting yourself fired for calling your boss a spoiled brat, you spoiled brat.” “Does being an adult with a bank account make you angry? Would you prefer it if mommy took care of your money for you? We’re here to help!” “Do you accidentally blast 300$ on open bar tabs every Friday night and need that to stop? Give us access to your bank account so we can save you from yourself.” “Isn’t having so much money that you don’t care if 50$ just disappears for no reason every week just great? Let us help you pretend to be productive with that money by placing it in a negative interest rate savings account!” "Are you incapable of stopping until it's all gone? We're alcoholics, ahem, compulsive spenders as well. Give the bottle back, Father Jack." "Do things like 'stocks' and 'bonds' sound scary? Do you think 'gold' and 'silver' are pointless fads? Wish money would stop getting highbrow ideas? We do to, why make your money work for you when you can send it to work for us? Errr... I mean, why make your money work, when you can send it on a tropical vacation?!" |