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>2. Wait. Then wait some more. Even if you pay big money for a support contract, they take a long time to respond (often > 1 hour).

My experiences don't reflect this, perhaps we are familiar with different levels of support contracts. I use AWS for work only so I can only speak to one level if their support.

>3. Get a response from a first level rep who has no access to anything, has little dev experience, and asks some inane questions which I'm convinced is a purposeful stalling tactic. 4. Play the dumb question/obvious response dance, waiting an hour or more for a response each time.

I can't agree with this either. I almost always use their chat option and a rep is usually available within 15m unless there is an AWS outage.

I do however completely agree with 5 and 6, but I don't let it bother me. They can't expose too much info about their infrastructure. I'm usually just looking for a confirmation of an issue in their side or not which they have always been willing to provide.

If you're using aws for business and are unhappy with their current level if support maybe you should talk with their sales folks to find out about higher tier support plans.