[thedevil]

This might get a negative response, but let me present a contrarian view: apologies aren't always wise, even when you screw up and feel bad about it.

To explain with an example: I learned to dance salsa a few years ago. I wasn't advanced, but I was pretty good. I was a favorite for many - I could dance with a beginner and make it smooth and fun.

At first, I apologized for a mistake even if it was the girls' fault. But if I apologized, the girl stopped following my lead and it would go pretty bad and there was nothing I could do to fix it.

I learned not to apologize until the partner had danced with me a couple times and learned to trust me. I suspect with public leaders, it's much worse because most of their interactions are with people who don't know them well.

[kibwen]

This would be an argument against apologizing for mistakes that aren't your own, which IME comes across as a sign of insecurity and low self-esteem.

[meric]

Apologising for mistakes that aren't your own can also be a sign of supplicating - saying anything to get on the other person's good graces. If the other person's in a confident and strong position often there's no need to apologise for things that are not your fault. If you're dancing with a very good dancer and you're a poor dancer, and she knew that to begin with, there's no need to apologise. Instead, own your poor dancing ability. Exaggerate a little your poor movements. Laugh. Often a person of high skill level don't want to play with a person of low skill level might not even be the skill difference but because they don't want to deal with the low skill level person's insecurities. But if the other person is, for example, was the victim for a crime, then you might apologise even though you weren't the person who broke into their house.

[kibwen]

  > But if the other person is, for example, was the victim 
  > for a crime, then you might apologise even though you 
  > weren't the person who broke into their house.

Saying "I'm sorry" to someone that has suffered a tragedy isn't an example of offering an apology, it's an offering of sympathy. It's a bit strange that we overload the phrase in this way, but I can't imagine a situation where the distinction wouldn't be clear from context.

[meric]

It could apply if the person apologising is part of the police force, or if it's a family member of the perpetrator. I think it can be a little more than sympathy - a person is apologising on behalf of the society the person is a part of. A visitor to a crime ridden suburb is mugged. A passerby, feeling ashamed of his neighbors could apologise with a meaning more than sympathy. The scope of responsibility increases the less confident and less secure the receiver of the apology is. That's what I'm getting at.

[thedevil]

I agree with you, it does look like insecurity.

But just for clarification: sometimes it was my fault. And when it wasn't and the partner was a beginner, I pretended it was my fault so that the beginner wouldn't feel bad.

[darkerside]

Who's to blame is rarely so clear cut

[kibwen]

I get the impression that the parent is relating instances where it is obvious that the one apologizing is not at fault. The question of "who isn't to blame" is much easier to answer.

[TeMPOraL]

The important question people too often forget to ask instead is "why blame anyone in the first place?" and "ok, how are we going to make it better now?".

[meric]

Definitely. A student doesn't apologise for losing some marks in an exam either. It's part of the process to get better at dancing. You're not advanced dancer, and the other partner can accept that, or she wouldn't dance with you in the first place. Apologise when there's no need to smells of supplication. I think the only situation where it's suitable to apologise was if you were dancing and you accidentally made a movement that appeared like you were sexually harassing her. (e.g. I don't know how it would happen, but if you accidentally cupped your hand around her breast and squeezed it in a really pervy way, and that action isn't her expectation, then it's time to apologise profusely), or if you kicked her in the leg and broke her ankle. Depending on how she reacts, I'd apologise in either a humorous or serious way.