[cperciva]

The multiplicity of casual friendships online has led to an interesting new phenomenon: Because people preferentially broadcast their successes, we tend to get the feeling that everybody else is more successful than ourselves. I don't think you can avoid comparing yourself to others; what you can do is try to keep in mind that life is a mix of good and bad, and even if all you manage to do is avoid the worst of the bad, you're doing pretty well.

Take me for example. I started university when I was 13, won the Putnam competition when I was 18, went on to a doctorate in computing from Oxford University, and single-handedly bootstrapped a successful startup. I think most people here could tell you that much about me; but I doubt many could tell you that I'm 34, that I'm socially awkward and stutter when I'm nervous, that I'm diabetic and wrestle with this life-threatening condition every day, that I'm 20 lbs overweight and due to my sedentary lifestyle have the cardiopulmonary fitness of a typical 50 year old, or that I've been dumped by every woman I've ever dated.

When you inevitably compare yourself to others, remember that there's probably a lot you're not hearing about them.

[nvivo]

Amazing post, thanks for the openness.

As I get older (I'm still 33), I realize more and more that almost nobody got their stuff together. Most people even in their 40 or 50 are still trying to figure out what to do with their lifes. They change careers, move to a different state, start writing books, start some business different from what they have done their entire life.

When I was young, I always heard that 'life is hard'. I live in a third world country, grew from a poor family and never had much money. But it wasn't until I was married working in a good company that I realized what that means.

I realized that life being hard is not about not having money or a family... these are struggles we all have. Life being hard is all about these choices you have to keep making that are not confortable at all, you can never rest, life is always changing your plans. Even when you think you have it all figured out, this will last only a few years and you will have to start again.

It's all part of life. We all have struggles and the sooner we realize that it's all about the journey and not about the ends, the easier it gets to go on.

[it_learnses]

I'm 34 and I'm also realizing this slowly :) Choices are a major source of my stress. It's the fear that am I making the right choice or will I regret it in the future? I only have one limited life :(

[louisswiss]

> When you inevitably compare yourself to others, remember that there's probably a lot you're not hearing about them.

This is exactly why it's useless to compare yourself to others --> incomplete data (or even worse, pre-selected data).

There have been a lot of posts which seem to advise against comparisons.

I'd argue that a comparison isn't bad for you per se, it's the data you are comparing your life/achievements to that can lead to problems because of a lack of transparency.

Why not keep comparing, but compare your current self to yourself at timepoint t-1, t-2...

Also, try to set schedules for when you compare and which facets of your life you are comparing (eg. health, education, 'job success' etc on a bimonthly basis).

Last word of warning --> most people tend to make comparisons when they are feeling 'down'. Don't let this kind of expectation bias screw with you - try to leave comparisons until you are in a moderate or positive mood.

[akshatpradhan]

Wow and you're that guy that won the Putnam

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=35079

[michaelmcmillan]

I appreciate your openness Colin, thanks.

[cperciva]

I admit that I thought twice about posting that. But I figured an example would make what I was saying much clearer, and it wouldn't be right to use anyone else as an example if I wasn't willing to use myself as an example.

[refrigerator]

> When you inevitably compare yourself to others, remember that there's probably a lot you're not hearing about them.

That's definitely true but I find little consolation in it because for me it's not only about being really successful. It's also about being perceived as really successful by other people, so it's not just about "winning" the "competition" of who has the "best" life, it's about winning the competition of who other people think has the best life, which is a competition in which it doesn't matter whether there's a lot that you're not hearing about the winners, because the majority of people (the judges) will only take the stuff you do hear into account.

I hope that makes sense, couldn't really think of a good way to phrase it.

[vaughngh]

I've become accustomed to online anonymity, it's pleasant to hear some vulnerability for once. Thanks for sharing.

[askafriend]

I really appreciate you opening up like that. The world is a more beautiful place when people do.

[wishiknew]

This man has been on Facebook and has seen right through it.