[mayi12345]

I am sorry to hear your struggle. I have friends who were depressed and I understand suicidal thoughts are in your mind.

Here are how my friends dealt with his depression: they have 1 day a week to do what they want to do alone: surf or run. I honestly do not understand depression, but accordingly to my friends, it is a moment when they do not need to give a fuck to anything, embracing into the nature really helps them to relax and the results are that they have felt less depressed and I can really tell their difference.

One thing I also noticed, is that they also consciously try to be positive. I recently read a few books about our own subconsciousness (e.g. power beyond your subconscious mind, Subliminal: How Your Unconscious Mind Rules Your Behavior, etc.) and it seems like once you "tried to be", you will start to behave the way your mind told you to. And yes, I also see my friend's attitude is changing towards life.

In terms of jobs, have you considered being a photographer/ocean researcher/forester/bloggers who broadcast how to fight your own struggle (sure you can make some $$ if you get enough subscribers)?