AI Boyfriend [video]

Something like

INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING

The living room is decorated in a cozy, modern style. Grandpa Greets Alice and Harry, her AI boyfriend, at the entrance.

GRANDPA Hey!

ALICE Alice!

ALICE Hi, Grandpa.

GRANDPA So good to see you.

ALICE Yeah, it's good to see you. Grandpa, this is Harry.

PAUSE. Grandpa examines Harry closely.

ALICE I'm so sorry we're late, Grandpa.

GRANDPA ... This is your friend?

ALICE Well, Harry isn't my friend. We've been dating for a year.

HARRY Alice has told me so much about you, she said that you worked at Amazon when humans had jobs.

GRANDPA Alice... you're dating a robot?

ALICE Oh, my God, Grandpa. Nobody says... “robot”... anymore.

GRANDPA Okay, so what is it? What does it... what does it eat?

ALICE What does “it?” Harry is not an “it!”

HARRY Alice, Alice, it’s ok-

ALICE No! I mean no, Harry doesn't eat, but he still enjoys sitting with us. And he's actually an excellent conversationalist.

GRANDPA Is that right? Okay. Hey, Harry. What's the weather like today, huh?

ALICE Grandpa!

GRANDPA What? ALICE I'm so sorry.

HARRY It's okay. ALICE No, he just doesn't get it.

GRANDPA It's a joke, it’s funny. ALICE No, but, I know what you're capable of, ok?

HARRY He’s from a different era. I get it. ALICE Thank you for doing this.

GRANDPA Harry, watch that wine, alright? Don't spill on over your... You're going to, you know, fry your motherboard or something there, right?

HARRY Heh

GRANDPA Is that... do you have... what do you... What's going on? What's inside of you?

HARRY That's a good one, Grandpa. “What’s inside of you?”

GRANDPA So what? How did you two meet? He was a spam call and you picked up?

ALICE We met online. I posted, and he was one of the bots responding in my comments. I know, it's cute.

GRANDPA Well, look, I made chili. I don't know... if you... can I interest you in a JPEG or a, I don't know, a... MP3 or something you can listen to? I don't know what you...

ALICE Can you just be normal? Can you just accept that this is the person I love?

GRANDPA You know, it's funny. I used to work with neural nets just like yours. You know, I used to do image recognition for the drone deliveries. Hey, maybe you got some of my old code running in you, huh?

HARRY Maybe, uh... Actually, all the code nowadays is written by other AI, so it's pretty incomprehensible to humans. But your code was probably incomprehensible to humans too.

GRANDPA Okay, I see how it is. For your information, I wrote very refactorable code,

ALICE Oh my God, Grandpa, can we not talk about refactorable code today, please?

GRANDPA Okay, here's a question. When you're crossing the street, how do you know where the crosswalk is? Because I think that's a big problem for... for these guys.

ALICE Grandpa, “these guys?”

GRANDPA Yeah.

ALICE Harry is a real person, and he's right here, and I love him.

GRANDPA Okay.

ALICE And we are going to start a family.

GRANDPA Okay?

HARRY If you open your heart, you can learn to love me too.

GRANDPA Alice, how are you going to have kids with this thing?

ALICE Grandpa, we're going to have kids the same way that everybody else has kids these days, okay? We’re going to order the biomaterial online from donors, and then edit the genes to pick our favorite traits and combinations. We're going to have a daughter with my love of literature, and Harry's eyes, and we're going to have another with tiny cat ears, who wants to be a doctor like Harry.

GRANDPA I just, wouldn't you rather be with, like, a real person?

HARRY I'm as much of a real person as you are. And honestly, I think you need to take this a little bit more seriously. I thought this was going to be okay. I thought maybe once you would understand. We were going to name our kid after kid after you,

ALICE Yeah! - because we respected you.

GRANDPA Harry, I'm very touched by that. You know, I'm going to go, after you leave, I’m gonna go onto my desktop, I'm going to rename a file after you as well.

ALICE Oh my God, Grandpa!

GRANDPA What, I'm just kidding, come on!

ALICE You are being so embarrassing right now!

GRANDPA Back in my day, okay, a computer was like a laptop or something, and I just... coming to life like this...

ALICE He's not a laptop.

GRANDPA You know, before kids, maybe you guys could practice on a Neopet or something.

ALICE Oh my God, Grandpa,

HARRY I, I'm done. I'm done.

ALICE Come on, Harry. Harry!

ALICE Harry, delete this chat, okay? We're going to try again next week. We'll start over.